Calliope Writing

Graffiti Magazine Volume 1 Issue 22
November 3, 2009, 7:18 pm
Filed under: My Magazine Articles | Tags: , ,

Graffiti - Alcohol GuidelinesGirl on the Town: Guidelines for Alcohol Success in 2007


1-Time and Food are Essential

We’ve all done it:  we have the whole day off from work.  The clock strikes eleven in the morning, and we decide that a nice appetizer to lunch would be a nice, cold brewsky.  Terrible things start this way.  Beginning to drink too early in the day has a snowball effect:  for every hour that goes by, you get just that much drunker.  So watch yourself, cowboy.  Oh—and don’t take shots on an empty stomach unless you want to spend the night with you cheek pasted against the cold toilet seat.

2-Tequila Does Not Equal Love

Just because you’re feeling tipsy does NOT mean that every warm body you encounter is your soul mate.  Restrain yourself from giving your number out to every hand willing to take it—I sweat to God that you’ll regret it in the morning when “Gretchen” calls you to continue your illuminating discussion about lampshades.

3-Not All Alcohol is Equal

…so don’t think you can drink beer, wine, and liquor all in the same night with no consequences.  I’m not a scientist or nutritionist, so I can’t explain why mixing the three is so awful.  You’ll just have to trust me based on my experience.  Spend an hour puking up red wine, draft beer, and vodka; then tell me if mixing alcohol is good for you.

4-Pimps Gots to Have Moolah

As do we all.  Two words, girls and boys:  BRING CASH.  Wherever you plan on going, life in unpredictable.  Add alcohol to the mix, and it’s F-ing off-the-wall spontaneous.  So bring cash.  You don’t want to be the one loser out of your friends who can’t get into a bar because you can’t pay the cover charge.

5-Patience is a Virtue

Your mom was right. Patience comes in handy, especially when you’re being shoved back and forth in line at a bar waiting for a damned beer.  Suck it up, big boy.  That guy—he’s not pushing into you because he’s disrespecting you.  He just wants a drink like everyone else.  Bottle up your anger and wait for a good time to let it out—like at your therapist’s or some good old-fashioned road rage.

6-“Extra-Curricular” Activities Are Bad News

Name your poison:  Ritalin, wacky tobacky, titty bars open until four in the AM.  All of the above will get you in trouble, ESPECIALLY if you break my other guidelines.  Keep an eye on yourself and don’t become a spectacle . . . unless you just don’t give a shit.  I’m just warning ya.

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